Starting Over

Recently, I went through a change of shift at work.  I was told that my new co-worker would not like me.  I was reminded by my boss to approach it with optimism, hoping for the best.  My philosophy is to hope for the best, plan for the worst, so that was the plan.

I think of a lot of worst outcomes, so I can be as prepared as possible.  But I'm not always prepared, and I know that there are a million billion possible outcomes so how could I ever imagine?  Anyhow, this kind of planning ahead for disaster makes me feel more ready, more confident.  And confidence is required in situations where one is preparing to meet her doom.

Again.

So I meet the woman who would not like me, and I hope for the best.  I am as nice and deferential as I can be.  I am as relaxed as I can be.  Still she ignores or focuses or her hostility directly at me.  Still, she hates me.

But I can handle it: I am prepared, I tell myself.

Still she snaps at me, still she says mean little things to me in response to anything and everything.

This woman is a grandmother of two.  She is the mother of two.  She is married.  She knows how to love, but she doesn't know how to love everyone.  Or she doesn't know how to love me.  I like to think she doesn't know how to love everyone, because I AM everyone, I am anyone, I am no different than any other 15-year-younger person than her who would come into her shift carrying praises from her efforts on another shift, reminding her that so many changes that have been made in the last year are to that person's credit.  I was even made lead for my shift, but I was not her boss.  We both knew that.

She hated me, I was not her boss, and she made it very clear to me that this was the case for 2 weeks.

So like a witch, I burned.  I took the heat, I dried up and molted, and my dust went everywhere.  I tried to be patient and understanding.  But finally she snapped at me one to many times and despite all my best efforts, I exploded.  I told the woman that I did nothing to deserve the way she was treating me, that I had tried everything I could but she was creating the most hostile work environment that I'd ever been unfortunate to be unwelcomed into.

Another thing I know about myself is that I am a poison eater: I take a person's poison from them.  I hold it inside and turn it into rainbows, then send it back to that person as anti-venom.  I do it selectively now, though I used to not know how to regulate and became sick in the process.  I survived, and learned.

So she breathed in her anti-venom and was calmed.  Over the next hour, she apologized.  I told her we should start over.  She agreed.

It hasn't been easy.  The injuries I unwittingly sustained in trying not to take things personally and cope with frustration over the past weeks really bruised me.  But I'm pushing through it, remembering that bruises fade.  I do cry easily at everything lately, needing to vent, to let it out somehow.  I feel heavy with something, and it's waiting there to be released whether I like it or not.  I'm always weakened and rather dull after this kind of thing.  Random crying is terribly embarrassing, but it does seem to help.

So we start again.  And although it feels forced, although I am still burning from injuries so recently given by this person, I know it's the only fair thing to do.  Starting over with a clean slate isn't easy, but I'd wish it for myself, so I have to try and make it happen for others when warranted.  We all want a chance to try again, to do things better this time, don't we?  After a certain age, we can start over with new people and places if and when we want, but how wonderful when the people we surround ourselves by will not hold grudges, or judgments, and we can just carry on where we are.

p.s. I ascribe to no religion in my viewpoint.  I am as christian as I am satanic as I am buddhist as I am rastafari, gnostic, kabbalist, and the holy trinity itself.